Wednesday, November 24, 2010

10 Reasons As To Why "Flamingo" Relationships Fail and Never Last A Long Time.

Real Reasons As to Why Gay Relationships Fail and Never Last A Long Time.

To be honest, there are two answers to this, the one you get from any parent and/or pastor. The reason why homosexual relationships do not last and are destined for failure is because they are unnatural and all homosexuals are going to hell. There you go, that is a perfectly sound and logical answer to some people. But that is not the truth.
Throughout my odd 20 years of life I have seen people around me engage in same-sex relationship and heterosexual relations. I have had my fair share of indulging as well. But the common theme is that homosexual relations never seem to last long. Let us not fool ourselves gay male relationships are more problematic - more difficult to sustain happily - than heterosexual relationships. If anything I have come to learn and appreciate a few things from my experiences of being in the dating industry and from each relationship I took out something from that encounter.
Let me share some of my reasons as to why gay male relationships do not last a long time:


1. Both Men Have Different Interpretations and Definitions of “The Relationship”
The one party may just be exploring and having fun which is common for most men that are still discovering themselves. The other party may have a totally different perception and want to settle down, make it more long term. This is a recipe for disaster. Hearts are bound to be broken. It is important from day 1 of the relationship for us to discuss what we want or else there will be rivers tears.


2. Some Gay Men Have an Over Active Sexual Desire
By nature men are sexual predatory beings. Now when you but two men together, that sexual being may be heighted. When there has been no proper communication and definition someone will go and cheat at times to satisfy their sexual desire. Some men generally know how to control their lust and desire but some do struggle to the detriment of the relationship. This perpetuates the stereotype that Gay Men are lustful, sinful and have deep seeded sexual desires that they can not control leading to promiscuity.


3. Gay Men Tend To Call Their Encounters With Other Men A “Relationship” Far Too Quickly
In society even in a heterosexual relationship it is looked down up for one to “date” a lot of people. Rather we are conditioned to have a specific “boyfriend/girlfriend”, instead of dating a variety of people to better understand what you like, and more importantly, what you do not like. There should be a lot more “getting to know” each other before that next step is taken. How many times have you heard the expression, “He/she is just not the person I thought he/she was,” when explaining the end of a relationship. As the good song says: “Take Time To Know Her/Him, Its Not an Over Night Plan” by Percy Sledge.


4. Two Men Equals Two Heads Thereby Forming A Monster
Anything by definition that has two heads is a monster and an ugly beast. This is the greatest challenge for any “Gay Male Relationship.” In a gay relationship it is important that both parties to compliment each other instead of competing with one another especially when they are both successful in their respectively careers. How partners balance power by complementing each other and how partners balance power through equity or similarity - are accomplished in a variety of, often unconventional, ways. For example, a partner who holds the least of economic power may play a more passive or receptive role in sex. But sexual roles are often flexible. If an older partner holds a certain authority in the relationship because of his age and experience, the younger partner may balance some of that with his perceived greater sexual appeal, interpersonal and social skills, or even his physical size. Such balances are complex, often unconscious, and an integral part of any relationship that works. Gay relationships mimic the inflexible solutions and limitations of traditional heterosexual relationships in order to work. I have learned that in a gay relationship a substantial difference in age, the financial dependence of one partner, or exclusive sexual "roles" are some of the reasons that a relationship is not working or could not work.


5. Definition of Roles In a Gay Relationship: Top and Bottom
Most gay men certainly not all gay men normally have a preference as whether they are Top, Bottom, Versatile, VersTop and VersBottom. That is the beginning of trouble for most relationships. In a perfect gay society “Tops” would be with “Bottom” and “Bottom would be with “Top.” But that is not always true and often impossible to achieve simply because there are many things that make up a person such as personality, taste in music, social standing, financial position, education, class etc. Meaning, it will happen that two “Tops” and two “Bottoms” might date and form a relationship. This is were sanity, patience, intellect and understanding needs to prevail. After all you are both men and have needs. If two parties truly love each other and feel that they are compatible with one another the “Top Bottom” issue should never stand in a way of a potentially good and long lasting relationship. If you try and suppress someone in a relationship and force him to be “Bottom” when he is “Top” believe you me there will be a day when that person will go out your “Relationship” and get what ever he wants that you are not giving to him. Therefore compromise and learning to satisfy your partner is very important in ensuring that your relationship is sustainable.


6. Some Gay Relationships Are Built On Unrealistic Expectations
Relationships born out of dubious circumstances will usually die the same way. Why would anybody expect anything different? Sexual attraction isn’t love. Humans are capable of being sexually attracted to unlovable people. Love does not make the unlovable into the lovable. Moving in together shouldn’t be done just because the sex is good. It takes time to really understand who and what people really are. There is no reason to do that AFTER you have blended finances, furniture, clothing, and grooming products. You will be fighting like cats and dogs scratching each other while living together under the same roof. As I mentioned earlier, take time to know the person and know what you want. Moving in is a big step and more often than not most of us are not ready for that step.


7. Gay Men Love Keeping Secrets From One Another
Secrets are a ticking time bomb to the end of your relationship. Gay men love keeping secrets and secrets are destructive to any relationship. A sure way to ensure that a relationship ends in disaster is by keeping secrets. Any secret in a relationship betray the element of trust in a relationship. Once trust is lost, it could be extremely difficult to get it back
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8. Gay Men Do Not Know and Understand The Meaning of Love
For years I thought I new how to love and what love is about. I was sadly mistaken until my current partner thought and showed me the true meaning of love. I used to think that love is the warm fuzzy feeling that one gets when you think about someone. That longing for someone when you miss them. This is all not true. I have always known this scripture but never personalized it, 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 gives a perfect definition of love. My partner showed me that love is not a feeling as it not mentioned in this scripture but rather an act. Love is a choice that you constantly make every single day of your life. It is like the choice you consciously make to wake up and to school or work everyday even when it is raining and you FEEL like staying in bed all day. When you are truly in love, you don’t act on FEELINGS rather on a choice. You make a choice to protect the person you are with all the time. Feelings are acts of lust and instinct that an animal such as a lion lives by. A lion acts on its instinct and feeling to attack its prey and a human makes a choice to love and protect his partner. Often hear people say: “I have feelings for you therefore I love you” that is devoid of the truth.


9. Some Gay Men Have Not Accepted Who They Are
It is a known fact that majority of gay men did not choose and do not want to be gay. For most gay men this is a challenge and some do take time to accept who they truly are. Some gay men even have self hatred for themselves as they know that they are a disappointment to their families. Gay men bring the feeling of something deeply wrong, something deeply lacking, and something deeply unacceptable in and about themselves into the relationship. That is very, very destructive in a gay relationship. It is very important for your partner to accept and come to peace with them being gay if you want to have a fruitful and long lasting relationship. Some gay men are so uncomfortable with who they are, they will always be paranoid, constantly checking that they are safe in their closets, always trying to close the wholes in their closets and not wanting to let the cat out the bag. Surely this is unhealthy and you will end up compromising who you are to accommodate your partner leading to the collapse of your relationship. Take note there is difference between “Accepting You Being Gay” and “Coming Out The Closet.” The key is acceptance and being at peace with yourself. DL “Down Low” men NEVER make good gay relationship partners especially with black brothers! I have made a promise to myself NEVER to be an “Ambulance Driver.” What is an Ambulance Driver you might ask? An Ambulance Driver is a person that picks up all the weak, frail and those who are not sure of themselves and still have wounds of not accepting their gay status.


10. Some Gay Men Do Not Support Each Other in The Relationship
One of the key components of a relationship is the support that two people provide for each other, yet it is typically one of the most overlooked aspects of choosing the perfect Gay Partner. The reason support is so critical to a healthy relationship lies within the concepts of success and achievement. For two people to build a life together, it is critical for each of them to maintain their own identities while at the same time work together toward common goals and aspirations. The amount of support that is present in a relationship, or the lack thereof, will ultimately have a direct correlation to the success of that same relationship. When you become aware of the vital role that support plays in a relationship, it will forever change your approach. And thus, this discovery may ultimately be the turning point in your life that yields the success and achievement you are seeking in the ultimate Gay Relationship.


Conclusion
Being in a relationship is not about loving a perfect person perfectly. But rather about loving an imperfect being perfectly. Ultimately, relationships fail because humans are faulty. It is easier to begin a new relationship, with all the excitement and fire that new love brings, than it is to deal with living in an ever-evolving old one. Love isn’t the fire that burns fast and high in those first few months of a relationship. Love is the smoldering embers that glow very hot long after the fire has flickered away.

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